


If we turn back time, could we learn to live right?

by SovereignChicken



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 14:33:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5294933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SovereignChicken/pseuds/SovereignChicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa had called. Out of the blue. They hadn’t talked for months. In the recent years, they only ever talked if there was big news to relay or during the holidays. Clarke was surprised by the call. She was even more surprised by its purpose.</p><p>Lexa was coming home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If we turn back time, could we learn to live right?

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I sat down earlier today to write a completely different fic but you know, inspiration is as inspiration does. This is the result.  
> 2\. I just made a tumblr (SovereignChicken). I only have like 5 posts on there. It's quite the baby. Come say hi anyway.  
> 3\. Feel free to leave me comments. I love love love love comments.  
> 4\. Thank you for existing. Enjoy.

_Clarke,_

_I leave today._

_There, I said it. I know I’ve been joking around and acting like it’s normal and it’s been driving you crazy. Of course by the time you read this I’ll be gone and I guess that’s why I’m writing this. You won’t have to see my face as I write this. But you will when I get in the taxi._

_I’m sorry I’m not letting you take me to the airport. The truth is that if you come with me and look at me the way you do there’s no way I’ll leave. I’d rather look at you through the car window, with the door locked and my seatbelt restraining me. I’ll sit on my hands and firmly render them unable to move traitorously and unbidden to free me._

_I hope this is how it happens. Because running out to kiss you one last time would be far from romantic. It would be torturous. ~~I would hate it~~. ~~I would love it.~~ _

_The choice as is presented to me is simple, you or the future that I’d always dreamed of._

_If it were anyone else the answer would be easy. But you are not just you. You are synonymous with the future I never dreamed of. Wondrous and consuming. Exhilarating and fulfilling._

_How did the future I never dreamed of suddenly get neck and neck with the future I always dreamed of? It doesn’t make sense. You don’t make sense._

_The tipping point is that you didn’t erase my enduring dream. I still want to pursue it. My heart still beats excitedly when I think of the journey ahead of me. But is also hurts with every beat when I think of you. (I didn’t mean to quote Robyn. Honestly. But someone has been playing her songs all week.) _

_I’m not a writer but you make me want to be one. You make me want to fill pages describing you and how baffling you are to me. No, I’m not a writer. What I am with certainty though, is a girl full of sorries. Sorrys? I just looked this up, sorry is an adjective and therefore has no plural. Apologies. I’m full of apologies. That doesn’t ring. Fuck it. I’m not a writer but I’ll be a poet today._

_I’m full of sorries. Sorries for not talking to you earlier. For not knowing you earlier. For not kissing you earlier. For not loving you earlier._

_I can’t believe that we all grew up together and just never talked. I had my circle and you had yours. But we mixed! Raven and Anya, Octavia and Lincoln! How did we never really know each other? How was it that the little talking I’d done with you was to comment on the bitterness of the jungle juice at Jasper’s end of term party or the cold when we waited for Raven to grab her laptop and get back in the car?_

_I know I’m exaggerating the infrequency of our talking but it was always so mundane. So fucking ho hum._

_Can you tell I’m trying to make you laugh?_

_I can’t believe that the first time I talked to you, really talked to you, was at the stupid frat house party where you saved me from talking to that jockstrap. And that was it. All it took. I knew I was in love with you that night. We talked so much. We had a lot of shared history after all._

_Hearing you describe all of our adventures made me realize that my memories were grey until you infused your colour into them._

_I remember you leaning in as we lay on the trampoline in the back. I’ll never forget. You asked and I quote, “How are we not friends?”_

_Do you remember what I said? You were drunk. You might not._

_I was drunk and I do because I still can’t believe I said it. I said and I quote, “How are we not more?”_

_I remember you nodding and mumbling something about how wise I was. It was so perfect in its imperfection._

_After that, we were inseparable. You know the story. I kissed you when I was feeling brave and you said you weren’t ready. And then months later you kissed me when I was feeling scared and I avoided you for weeks. I’m sorry for all the wasted time. So sorry. Really I am._

_You know what else I’m sorry for? That bitch last week at my mother’s mixer. I don’t want to make this letter ugly by talking about her and what she said but you wouldn’t talk to me about it after. She’s rich and her husband is rich and that’s all she’s ever known. I’m not trying to defend her or explain away her words._

_See, she’s never known passion for a cause, for some thing like you and I have. All she knows is the love she has for her husband and her money and that’s it. So when we talked about my leaving she couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t come with me. _

_You talked about the group home and she laughed dismissively. You see to her the choice is easy. You’re not making the big bucks doing what you do so there is absolutely nothing keeping you here. You should come with me. Right? WRONG!_

_I cannot stress that enough. You should have no doubts about your choice._

_Zero._

_Those kids need you. They need your joy. They need your love. They need your sunshine because all they see is darkness in their lives._

_That woman doesn’t understand that._

_I understand that._

_And I love you so much for it. So much. So fucking much._

_I’m getting long winded I know. But I also know there’s so much more that I can tell you. For now, can I tell you that I’m scared?_

_I’ve always wanted to work for Trikru inc. To be an Environmental Engineer. ‘To be the change I wanted to see in the world etc. etc.’ And here it is. I’ll be on a different continent doing what I’ve always wanted to. But what if I fail? What if it isn’t what I dreamed it would be? What if I’m not good enough?_

_As much as I always wanted this, I wouldn’t have pursued it as doggedly as I did without you. Your encouragement. Your complete faith in me._

_Thank you._

_Is it fair to thank you and confess my absolute fear in the same breath? Probably not._

_I don’t think this letter is fair at all. Especially since I’m not saying wait for me, I’ll be back. I’m saying, there’s no return in sight and enjoy your life without me._

_I know we agreed that breaking up was the best thing. And a long distance relationship is only prolonging the inevitable. Pain now or pain later. But. Are we wrong? Should we try? Are we being too pragmatic? Please understand that these are rhetorical questions asked only because I am a coward._

_Don’t answer them._

_We’ve already talked this to death._

_I’m struggling to figure out how to end this letter. I told you I’m not a writer. There’s no clean way to do this. I’m sorry. I love you._

_Lexa_

 

 

“Clarke.”

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?”

Clarke sniffled as she grasped the well-worn letter in her hand but remained quiet as she read the words over and over in the dim light. She was so engrossed that she didn’t realize that Lexa had left the bed and joined her on the floor until their shoulders brushed.

“Hey. Are you okay?”

“Fine.”

“What is that?”

“Your letter.”

“Oh wow, that was a long time ago.”

“What happened to us?”

“I left. You stayed.”

“You got engaged. I got engaged.”

“Years later.”

“Yeah.”

“It didn’t work out for me, it didn’t work out for you.”

“No, it didn’t.”

“I came back, you were here.”

“Yeah.”

“Clarke and Lexa, a history abridged.” Lexa finished, chuckling. She nudged lightly at Clarke’s shoulder and Clarke frowned in response.

“What happened after you got back?”

“Well, I moved in and we had a lot of sex.”

“You know what the sad part is?”

“What?”

“That’s all it is. Sex. Nothing more.”

Lexa was stunned into silence. She quietly struggled to remember how to breathe for a minute before she shakily sucked in a hard breath and spoke.

“You’re honest tonight.”

“What happened to us?”

“Time?”

“I guess.”

“I was gone for six years.”

“Seems like more.”

“Yeah.”

“Seems like less.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry to be so..”

“Can I read it?”

“What?”

Lexa gestured at her hands, “The letter. Can I read it?”

“Oh, yeah sure. You wrote it after all.”

Lexa took the letter from Clarke’s hands and stood up moving to the window. She stood there, back to Clarke and read it slowly. Clarke sat, waiting, feeling like she was having an unpleasant dream. She wished it was a dream. She’d imagined Lexa coming back so many times. None of her day dreams had the disconnect between them.

The distance.

When she sat down to read the letter again for the first time in months, she was filled with a flood of emotion and the stark realization that her bed was so so empty even with Lexa in it.

“So dramatic.” Lexa pushed out with a laugh as she put the letter on the desk and stood looking out of the window.

“I don’t think so.”

“Yeah? I don’t either.”

Clarke stood up abruptly, unable to sit in the same room with her anymore. “Excuse me. I’m leaving.”

“Clarke.”

“Just for a walk. Don’t wait up.”

Clarke darted out of the room hurriedly before Lexa could say anything. She rushed as if Lexa was chasing her even though she knew she wasn’t. She grabbed Lexa’s old fencing club sweatshirt from the back of the couch and pushed on some sneakers by the door before walking out. She made her way down the stairs and out of the apartment building before breaking in a jog with no destination in mind.

She thought back to when Lexa arrived and wondered if they could have done it all differently. If it would have made a difference.

 

_Lexa stood nervously outside the door, bags on the floor beside her, face stoic as she looked at a nonplussed Clarke._

_“Hey.”_

_“Lexa?”_

_“The one and only.”_

_Clarke shook her head as if it would clear the vision she was sure she was having. “I’m sorry, I just..I didn’t expect you.”_

_“I know. I know I said I was coming tomorrow and you were supposed to pick me up but I got an earlier ticket that was cheaper and..I should have told you. I’m sorry I don’t know what I was thinking. I was nervous. And I guess I didn’t want to tell you cause I didn’t want to make it real. And making it real would mean that it could just as easily not be..and I don’t know. I’m sorry. This is just weird”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“I should stay at a Hotel or with Raven or..”_

_“No. No. It’s fine.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Yeah, yeah.”_

_“Okay.”_

_Clarke couldn’t stop staring at her. She looked almost the same as she did when she left. It was crazy. Her eyes were the same shade of indescribable green. Her hair was the same cascading waterfall of curls. And her face was the same face she used to wake up to._

_Clarke’s stomach was in knots and she was angry all of a sudden._

_Angry at Lexa for leaving._

_Angry at herself for staying._

_Angry at them both for not trying._

_Angry at the world._

_“Clarke?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“I’m just gonna go..”_

_“No! No!” Clarke grabbed her hand and pulled her into the apartment. She stilled marvelling at the softness of her skin. The same softness it always had. And her smell. Different but the same._

_She let go of her hand._

_Clearing her throat she walked around Lexa and grabbed one of the bags bringing it in. Lexa moved to grab the other two and she followed Clarke into the guest bedroom._

_“So here you are.” Clarke set the bag down and gestured around the room. “Bed, desk, closet and umm the bathroom is this way.”_

_Clarke knew she was rambling as she pointed out the things in the apartment Lexa might need and talked about the neighbourhood but she couldn’t help it. She was nervous. She didn’t know how to deal with this situation._

_How to deal with a Lexa that for all she knew, was completely different from her own Lexa._

_When she ran out of things to ramble about she stopped and simply watched Lexa. Clarke could tell she was overwhelmed._

_“Sorry.” Clarke blurted._

_“Nothing to be sorry for at all.”_

_“Feel free to go ahead and get settled in your room.”_

_“I will. It’s really good to see you stranger. Just so you know.” She smiled and brushed past Clarke as she walked by to the bedroom._

_Clarke’s heart stopped._

_She grabbed Lexa’s arm and pulled her back. Without thinking she pressed her lips to Lexa’s. She could feel the blood rushing in her ears and face as she was utterly consumed by the feeling of Lexa’s lips moving against hers._

_Lexa’s hands came up and were cupping her face._

_It was gentle._

_And then it wasn’t._

_Clarke’s hands were pulling Lexa closer. Lexa’s hands were tangled in Clarke’s hair. Lexa’s tongue was moving then. Moving in ways that made Clarke unsteady on her feet. She felt herself pushed back and she fell back onto the couch._

_Lexa was on top of her instantly lips consuming her with a fire that scorched her completely. Clarke was reaching up then, hands underneath Lexa’s shirt. Nails lightly scratching their way up her stomach._

_Lexa moaned into her mouth and Clarke nearly came apart at the sound. As Clarke’s hands moved up, Lexa’s inched their way down._

_Lower._

_Lower._

_“Oh God.” Clarke let out, at the first contact of Lexa’s fingers, arching her back. Clarke quickly moved to reciprocate, dipping her fingers into Lexa’s pants eliciting a loud moan from her._

_They moved against each other frantically, fingers exploring and lips swallowing words of pleasure until Clarke rose to a height that she could barely fathom before falling apart completely with a cry._

_Lexa followed seconds after and tumbled ungracefully onto Clarke. They lay there catching their breath, finding their way back to reality for a few quiet minutes._

_Clarke suddenly jerked, realizing the situation and pushed her off before quickly standing up and backing away from a perplexed Lexa._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“No it’s…”_

_“I shouldn’t have kissed you. This shouldn’t have happened. You should just go ahead and get yourself set up in your room okay. I’m going to get some work done in my room.”_

_“Clarke.”_

_“I’ll see you for dinner.” She said quickly darting past Lexa and into her room where she leaned against the door breathing heavily._

_“Fuck. Fuck.”_

Clarke shook her head clear as she ran ignoring the seeping heat between her legs the memory elicited.

She hadn’t expected this.

Any of this.

Lexa had called. Out of the blue. They hadn’t talked for months. In the recent years, they only ever talked if there was big news to relay or during the holidays. Clarke was surprised by the call. She was even more surprised by its purpose.

Lexa was coming home.

She didn’t know what compelled her to do it. Offer her apartment for Lexa to stay in. It was rash, but her voice over the phone..the shaky nervousness. It was endearing and Clarke offered quickly without thinking.

She hadn’t expected Lexa to show up suddenly. She hadn’t expected her to look the same. She hadn’t expected to still be so attracted to her. She hadn’t expected to be unable to keep her hands off her.

But mostly she hadn’t expected how she couldn’t talk to her. All conversation was exhausted within minutes and the small talk drove her crazy.

It was all quick release and lack of conversation.

Lack of connection.

And Clarke didn’t know how to fix it. She didn’t know if it could be fixed.

She found herself at the park sitting on a bench in the dark, arms around her knees and head down. She didn’t know how long she sat like that. The evening light had given way to darkness and she stilled as she realized how utterly alone she was. How utterly alone she felt.

Sighing she stood up and left the park trudging along slowly and found that her feet were taking her to a familiar place that wasn’t her own.

Not any longer anyway.

She stood still looking up at the apartment she shared with Lexa before she left and felt herself getting lost in memories. Food fights. Pillow fights. Actual fights. She saw a figure shift on the fire escape and startled. She started walking away figuring it to be a resident before she realized that she knew that orange jacket very well.

She knew it because it was hers.

“Lexa?” She saw the figure jump.

“Clarke? What are you doing here?” Lexa called down softly, face coming into view in the moonlight.

“I could ask the same of you. You know other people live here right?”

“I suspected.”

“How did you even get up there?”

“Murphy over there gave me a boost.” she said nodding at the motionless form of the homeless man on the ground to Clarke’s right.

“Are you serious?”

“He offered when he saw me standing and staring at the apartment all zombie-like.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

Lexa remained quiet and simply watched Clarke as she stood on the empty street. Clarke fidgeted nervously before deciding to be rash once more.

“Murphy.” She called, advancing on the figure, “Hey, Murphy.”

Murphy stirred and quickly stood up eyeing Clarke cautiously.

“Who the hell are you?”

Clarke gestured at Lexa, “Friend of hers, looking for a boost.”

She pushed away her racing thoughts that insisted she was being stupid and fumbled carelessly in her pockets for some cash coming up empty.

“Don’t bother blondie. Come on.” Murphy said dryly as her walked to the fire escape ladder and stood expectantly. Clarke swallowed and walked to stand in front of him wordlessly before feeling his arms around her thighs lift her up. She grabbed onto the ladder and climbed up calling out a thank you to his already retreating form.

Lexa watched her expectantly as she climbed the rest of the way up and joined her sitting shoulder to shoulder with their legs extended out above the street.

“So, Murphy?”

Lexa laughed quietly, “Yeah, we’re buds now, he’s happy to give me a boost whenever I come.”

“This is where you’ve been coming every night.”

“Yeah. Old habits right?”

“Mmm. I didn’t mean to come here.”

“Where did you mean to go?”

“Home.”

“Looks to me like you found it.”

“This hasn’t been home in 6 years.”

“That’s right. You moved pretty soon after I left.”

“I couldn’t bear it.” Clarke confessed.

“I know.”

“I can’t bear this.”

“Wow. Were you this frank 6 years ago? I feel like I would remember.”

“Time.” Clarke responded noncommittally.

“So what? I find somewhere to live?”

“Nah.”

“Start spending more time in my room and less in your bed?”

Clarke laughed hard. Harder than she’d laughed in months. She doubled over and laughed harder when she heard Lexa join in. She laughed so hard, she felt tears steam slowly down her face. And when laughter gave way to muted sighs, the tears continued to stream down her face and she let them fall not bothering to wipe them away.

“We’re kinda ridiculous huh?”

“A little bit.”

“How is it being back really?”

“Workwise? Great. It was the move I needed to make for my career. I like the project I’m assigned to and I like the team I’m leading. Lifewise? It feels weird. It’s great to see everybody, really it is. And I’m going upstate to see Anya next month and on the drive down I’ll go see my mom and dad so I’m super excited about all that. But there’s you. And there’s the fact that I don’t really fit anymore. You know?..sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s good to talk things out sometimes.”

“Are you happy? At the home?”

“Yeah. The kids are great. Tough to deal with for sure but they are so strong, you know? Hey! You remember Indra?”

“Terrifying?”

Clarke laughed, “Yeah, her. She got a full ride, went on to graduate with honors and she volunteers now at the home. The kids all look up to her cause she was one of them. It’s so amazing to see her now Lexa.”

“I’ll bet it is.” Lexa said softly, watching her intently.

“Why did you and Costia break up? You never said.”

Lexa thumbed at her jeans absentmindedly, “She said that I wasn’t giving enough. Didn’t try like she did in the relationship. I didn’t try to argue which proved her point. Why did you and Finn?”

“He said that he felt like he was in a relationship with a butterfly. I was never ‘present’. Always flitting around. Apparently it felt like I wanted to be anywhere but with him.”

“Ouch.”

“Well. I didn’t fight him on it either.”

“Why?”

“Don’t ask me questions you don’t want to know the answers to.”

“I want to know. I want to know things about you.”

“It hasn’t seemed like it.”

“Well, I guess we were distracted.”

“You could have always asked.”

“Don’t pin this on me. You could have asked too.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

“So…why didn’t you fight him?”

“Why didn’t you fight her?”

“I asked first.”

“Don’t ask questions you know the answer to.”

Lexa sighed out a breath, “You asked the question of me too you know?”

“Is your answer the same as mine?”

“I don’t know, you didn’t tell me your answer.”

“Is your answer the same as mine?”

“You know it is.”

They sat quietly for a moment contemplating. “So where does that leave us now?” Clarke asked.

“Wherever we want to be I guess.”

Clarke sniffled and adjusted her weight, eyes on the street below. “We should talk like this more, there’s so much..”

Lexa kissed her. Softly and slowly. Reverently. Clarke shivered as she pulled away and she locked onto pale green eyes that she knew so well. She felt Lexa’s thumbs wiping her tears away softly and she closed her eyes in response.

“I’m going to move out of your room.”

“Okay.”

“I think it’s for the best.”

“Okay. But.”

“But what?”

“Can I ask you out on a date?”

“You can if you’d like I’m sure I wouldn’t say no.”

“You wanna go out with me on a simple date? Take it slow. Just get to know each other again.”

“I’d like that a lot.”

“No funny business.”

“Strictly serious business.”

“I think if we go slow, we might have a chance at something.”

“I think so too. I’m glad you found me. I think we needed this. Here. You know?”

“Yeah. We really did. I’m glad you didn’t jump my bones when I climbed up here.”

“Seriously! You were the one who initiated the sex fest.”

“I can’t believe you just called it that! Stop pointing fingers this is a fresh start.”

“I would stop pointing fingers and use them for other things if you hadn’t just instituted a sex ban.”

“Oh my God. I can’t believe you right now. You’re the one who said you were moving out of my room.”

“Who’s pointing fingers now!”

“Are you guys going to be quiet anytime soon? I’m trying to sleep!” Murphy grumbled from below.

The two women burst into hysterical laughter and clutched at each other as they shook. When the laughs subsided into silence, the two women simply sat there quietly before they helped each other down hours later and walked side by side back to Clarke’s apartment.

When they got there, they retreated to their separate rooms, lighter in the knowledge that this was the beginning of something new.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!


End file.
